Finishing things

A fitting title I suppose for whats happened the past few days.  Starting with today though, tonight was my last scheduled day in the Deli at work.  It was also a terribly annoying and frustrating day from hell but I managed to make my way through it none the less.  

My first draft is almost, kinda, sorta finished.  Just another few days and it should be done.  I've decided on a new plot development to move it along into the next book and give the girls a task to focus on.  It should be interesting for sure and will help me start up the second book when the time comes.  I have some ideas for the second and third book but nothing concrete yet.  There isn't enough to make an actual good story out of it just fun ideas that I can't wait to play around with.  Finishing the first book will be exciting and I can't wait to hold an actual copy of it in my hands.  

I also finished a game today.  I have a hard time playing different games other then World of Warcraft right now and I'm not sure so I see this as quite an achievement.  The story was just compelling enough to keep me playing it.  It's called Master Reboot for anyone that wants to check it out and you can find it on Steam or possibly other platforms.  I had originally bought the game about a year ago and just recently decided to pick it up again.  The graphics had turned me off from it but once I realized that it's part of the aesthetic and once I figured out what the story was about, it was much easier for me to play.  I actually didn't think I would finish it because I got to the last level last night and had to stop so I could go to sleep.  Usually when I stop at a last level I don't bother to finish it but this time I decided that I just had to.  I had to see the conclusion to the story and get some closure.  I'm really glad I did.

I'm not sure how long it's been going on but if I had to guess it's been about eight years that I've had this problem.  This problem of not only being unable to finish things but to even start things.  I will buy games on Steam and then either start them and play for a few hours or never touch them at all.  These games are ones that I am legitimately interested in too and for some reason I can't even pick them up and play them.  It's not just games though but projects I want to start on such as my book.  It has taken me years to even get to the point where I am now in writing my book which I blame mostly on how many revisions in the story I had to do before I was satisfied with it.

The big things I've wanted to do though involve making another game.  I haven't made one since college and for some reason I haven't been able to find the drive and discipline to actually sit down and work on it.  Instead of actually trying to work on something, anything at this point, I end up bringing myself down by thinking things like, no one will play this, it won't be as good as other things I see out there.  Really I should just make something and deal with it later.  I shouldn't take what people say about it so critically and just use that information to help improve on the next project.

Of course all of this could have to do with depression and being sad about certain aspects of my life.  I'm sure it has a big part to do with the motivation part in the least.

That's it for now.  Thanks again everyone for reading and I hope to see you again in the future.

The future, one day at a time

Some days I actually get a chance to talk to people about what I'd like to be doing in the future and to be honest the only real thing I know for sure about it is that I don't want to be working at Wal-mart.  It's not the kind of environment I enjoy being in at all.  People who slack off are rewarded while the people who work hard every day and push their limits are used to their breaking point and beyond.  I'm one of those people who is used for all I'm worth and never given an opportunity to move up or better myself.  This is why I don't want to be there anymore.

Now you might say, "but you can find this in any workplace", which is true.  Every work place is like a version of high school that you hate and wish you didn't have to be apart.  Everyone has their own groups that they hang out with and people they socialize with.  Drama is always rampant because you have nothing better to do then talk about your co workers and their lives.  Other then work that is.

Most people I work with will know me as a hard worker.  I do my job and then I go home because I don't want to be a part of the nonsense that everyone else is dragging around.  I don't have time for it.  Yet I tend to get caught up in it myself mainly because it involves people that are causing me more work then I already don't like doing.  I just don't want to deal with it.

So why am I talking about this?  Because I know somewhere out there, there are companies that you can work for that have an actual good environment to work in.  There is very little drama and the people you will meet and socialize with will share similar interests and goals as you.  I know they are out there because I hear people talk about them all the time and how they love their job and the work they do.  Now, this could be because they don't actually tell you about all the stupid things that go on behind the scenes but I like to believe that there are actual places like these in the world.

Again, why am I talking about this?  It's the kind of thing I think about on a constant basis.  Some days I get thoughts in my head and dwell on them for quite some time until something breaks me out of the stupor and brings me back to reality.  The reality that I'm working in a dead end job with almost no hope of getting out.  The reality that most people I work with are content with the choice they made in life and just gave up at some point.  I don't want to be one of those people so I continue to work on small goals I've made for myself to hopefully get me somewhere someday.

Reverse Sleep

Trying to redo your sleep schedule is frustrating.  I worked one to ten on Thursday, then was off Friday and then had to go into work today at eight a.m.  I never do well when it comes to getting to bed early so I can try and get some sleep.  I usually end up getting like five hours of sleep.  Now though, I feel tired as all hell and I should be able to get on the right schedule for tomorrow.  Then tomorrow, after work, I'll have to stay up later so I can redo my sleep schedule again for a one to ten work schedule.  This is one of the many perils of working in retail.  If you work in an area that requires two different shift types, expect to have to do this a lot.  Not only that, expect to work a closing shift like one to ten and then have to come in the next morning and work seven to four.  It's the worst thing to ever happen to anyone ever.

Work was pretty uneventful today.  Much easier working during the day then the evening.  There is a lot less stress to get things done during the day and not as much to worry about either.  After another week or so I'll have to worry about even less.  Honestly I'd rather just not be working in retail anymore and move on to something better.  Sadly there isn't much to get into around here so I'm stuck here for now.  Unless this thing with Google works out.

I also worked on the book some more today.  This was the first day that I wrote an edit into the story saying "Fuck this plot, let's do this instead" and wrote something different.  I like this version much better and I managed to get a ton of pages written because of it.  Almost there!

Nothing else to say here today.  Maybe tomorrow I'll have more.  For now there is only sleep.  Thanks again for reading this short post and I hope to see you again in the future.

It's been a few days

At first I thought I might have forgotten to write some posts but it wasn't so much forgetting as it was finding the time.  Then as the days kept going by I realized that I really didn't have much time to actually sit and type something.  But now that my days are starting to even out more and I'm not completely stressed out from work, I can finally work on this again.  So here we go.

On my day off Tuesday I didn't do much of anything.  I actually felt terrible for not doing much more work around the house but I was just exhausted from work still and wanted a day to relax.

Wednesday I went back into the Deli and surprisingly it was much smoother then the past week of working over there.  It could have been the people I worked with or that we had at least five people there instead of four.  It runs a lot better when people are working and there is an actual crew there to keep things running.  My night ended by having to work in Frozen and Dairy, facing Frozen out and stocking milk.  I definitely don't get paid enough for this job.

Five Days

I have finally passed the five day mark.  After today, I will have much less contact with the Deli then when I started covering for them.  The next few weeks I only have a couple days here and there and then I'll be able to head back to my normal place.  It sounds terrible when I say things like this and to those who may read this that I work with in the Deli, I mean nothing against you.  The work there is far to difficult in ways that I don't like dealing with.  It mainly deals with the fact that Wal-mart doesn't know how to hire a proper crew of people to run a place.  Instead they would rather work their hardest workers to the bone and stretch them to their limits while running with the most minimalist group they can find.  Even after getting the new people hired it won't be enough because they won't give them the hours that they need to run the place properly.

I'm to tired for this.

So very tired

This post is much later then I wanted it to be due to an unfortunate series of events.  I didn't have as much time last night then I thought I would before the power just cut off on us for a good two and a half hours.  I then tried to go to bed when it cut off but I had a horrible time staying asleep.  When the power did come back on I got up and turned off all the stuff that came on from earlier and then immediately passed out.  Just when I thought I might have gotten a bit of good sleep, my neighbors annoying car alarm went off and woke me up which caused me to stay awake for the last couple hours of sleep because I couldn't get comfortable again.  It was a terrible morning for sure.

Going to work, I knew it was going to be a bad day because I was pretty drowsy still and I was not disappointed.  Not an hour or so after being there, we got slammed pretty hard and I had to deal with one hell of a lunch rush.  That rush lasted for most of the day and well into dinner rush.  By the end of the night I was exhausted and just wanted to go home.  I was supposed to do a half day in the Deli and then go to Frozen/Dairy but instead they made me stay in the Deli to cover everyone's lunches.  By the end of it I would only have an hour left to spend in Frozen/Dairy so there was no point in going over there. I'm pretty sure management never thinks of it that way though.

I didn't forget!

Anyone who has followed the first couple blog posts may have wondered where this one was.  I didn't forget it and realized I had not written it last night after work right when I had gotten into bed.  I decided it could wait for the morning since I was just so tired last night from work.  This might be shorter then normal due to my morning time constraints but at least there will be something.

Work was tiring.  I forgot how terribly hectic and crowded it can get working in the Deli when there are only two people working during a lunch or dinner rush.  You literally have no time to think at all and unlike other fast food places, you don't have anyone else to help you with things.  So I ended up having to run back and forth from serving food, making food and slicing meat/cheese while the other person filled in wherever I wasn't at.  Surprisingly by the end of the night it had died off significantly which was really strange for a Friday night.  That was also partly a bad thing because with not as much to do my body was starting to catch up with itself and I became tired pretty quickly. 

The drama of small work spaces

I had my first actual full day of work back in the Deli today.  I stressed a lot over going back the past few days, I mean more then I should have, but it actually turned out to be just the same old thing with very minor changes.  One of the things that was still very relevant and still very active was the drama that is created by small groups of people confined in a small work environment.  There is really no reason to have so much drama between so few people that should all be getting along to complete all the work necessary to help everyone get home with very little stress.  But it happens.  Everyday.  And it sucks.  It's mostly due to the fact that some people just don't want to work or people want to lay out the ground rules for what they should be doing and what others should be doing.  If we all did our fair share of work, we could all go home feeling more content but sadly, most days, everyone feels like they are doing far more work then their coworkers.

The big issue that occurred tonight for me that didn't involve the Deli was when my management team was telling me that I needed to check on the stock of milk and eggs for the night.  This is a problem since I was fully enveloped in the work of the Deli and would not be able to find time to go over and stock eggs and milk.  By the time I did get over there to check on it all, the stock of eggs and milk was so bad off that it would have taken me at least another hour and a half to finish it.  I only had thirty minutes left in my night and still hadn't taken a break.  So what did I do?  I half assed stocked milk and said screw eggs because I wasn't going to have time to deal with that mess.  

Days off and preparing for the work week

My first official post of the blog!  I don't include the other post because it was more of a description then anything else.  It's also my day off so I feel the need to catch up on the past two days events.

I always enjoy my days off from work, even though I don't have much to do besides house work and winding down from a stressful week of dealing with customers and doing more than I'm required to keep the place running.  Today, though, I did a few things.  My main goal for today was to inspect under our house for any issues that may be causing us discomfort.  The main thing being that our heat pump hasn't been working properly so I wanted to see if there were any ducts that were broken or damaged.  Sure enough, when I opened the crawlspace door I felt a rush of cool air coming out.

A Fresh Start

As the title infers, I'm giving my blog a fresh start.  I deleted all my previous content and I'm now starting from scratch.  Why did I do this?  I just want to push out the old and start with some new ideas.  I feel like I have a great medium here that I can express myself on by writing down my thoughts and ideas that will hopefully provide some motivation to continue working on everything I want to accomplish. Here's how things will work.

I'm going to start by creating one post a day, at the end of each day, so I can record my thoughts and everything that happened during the day.  This way I don't lose anything I've thought of during the day and I can hopefully provide some much needed motivation to get myself writing more and working on projects that I want to focus on.  By talking about my thoughts and getting everything out in the open, I hope to achieve that goal.  Just writing this post is a huge step for me.

Things I'll be talking about will include but aren't limited to:

•  My work day and/or days off and anything interesting that happened.  I currently work in retail at Wal-mart so expect some retail stories that mostly involve the work I do and customers I interact with.
• My book that I'm writing.  It's a trilogy called Sin Harvest and as of this post I'm close to finishing my first draft.
• Game ideas and projects I may try to start.  Been having a hard time with this one mainly because coming up with ideas is easy for me but actually implementing them is something entirely different.
• My anxiety and how I deal with it on a daily basis.  I was going to write up an explanation on this for people to read but because of the way my mind thinks and works, I have been unable to cope with actually making it.  Instead, I'm going to talk about it when I feel it's necessary and in small chunks so I can slowly bring it out to people.

Today is the first day of making a commitment to myself.  To try and find the discipline and determination to create something that I've always wanted to make.  Thank you for reading this and I hope to see you in all my future posts.